The 3 Things Your Parents Won't Tell You to Bring to Your Dorm Room by DJMEZ

You're finally off to University or College. Pretty exciting, isn't it? For most of you, this will be the first time living outside of your parents' home, and the first freedom you've ever had. However, with your new-found freedom, comes the responsibility of taking care of yourself. Now, I'm sure you've thought of all the things you think you need for your dorm room: microwave, laundry hamper, laptop... but these are not the essentials. This following will outline and explain the three most essential things to bring to make the most of your dorm experience.

It's really time to be honest to yourself: You're NOT going to buckle down and be studious. Now that you're free from your home, you're going to want to be able to bring the party to anywhere you live. So, first off, you need a LARGE SOUND SYSTEM. You will be getting into sound wars with all your neighbors, so you have to make sure you have the loudest sound system or else you'll be listening to your neighbor's Justin Timberlake for the rest of the year.

Now that you got the music, you need the people. There's only one way to win people over in your residence: A KEG. Now, I know, you probably aren't allowed to bring a keg, but, you CAN stock your room full of alcohol. Go out and buy a bunch of 40% liquors (Gin, Vodka, Tequila, Rye, Rum) and keep them somewhere safe. Buy about 100 cans of beer and you should be set (don't buy bottles, this can get messy quick). If you go around during frosh week and invite people back to your place for a beer you will quickly become the coolest sh*t on campus.

So, we have music and beer. WTF else could you need right? Well, this part is real simple: You need a BOWL. A bowl of weed you're thinking, right? Well, no [that's illegal]. That's not what the bowl is for. The bowl is for the MASSIVE amount of CONDOMS you'll be keep on standby. Let me put it this way: running to your R.A. in the middle of the night trying to find a condom really ruins the mood. There are also added benefits of keeping that bowl of condoms around, but I'll let you figure that one out yourself.

After the these three things come together you'll wake up really blurry. You'll roll over and find a very hot naked body beside you and empty condom wrappers all over the floor. YES, everything is going to plan! But that pounding headache wasn't a part of the plan. So remember to bring something to get rid of the hangover (aspirin or more booze), and you'll be fine. You've survived frosh week and are easily the coolest person in your hall. Time to go microwave a burrito and try to figure out who that naked person is in your bed ;)

September 2006